Is Your Worry Disguised as Love? A Guide for Parents

If love and worry had a handshake, parents everywhere would own the world record for most enthusiastic grip. Often, it can feel like love and worry go hand in hand. I love my kid so much that I could write an entire poem about his eyelashes only to have my ode to eyelashes rudely interrupted by the worry that I definitely bought the wrong sunscreen based on the newest FDA recommendations on how not to destroy your kid's life. Shoot. Whoever said parenting was just unconditional love clearly forgot about the late-night panic over snack choices and the existential dread of college applications that haven’t even happened yet.

We like to say, “I worry because I love you.” Most of us believe it. On the surface, it feels honorable, like worry is a superhero cape we drape over our children. But here’s the human twist, what feels like a warm hug from our side can land like a weighted blanket on theirs. Kids rarely translate our worry into “I’m deeply loved.” More often, they catch the stress, sense the tension, and might even wonder if they are part of the problem. Nobody sets out to make their child feel like a walking stress ball, but sometimes our instincts betray us.

When Worry Shows Up for Family Dinner

Here’s a scene you might know. You sit down together for dinner. You notice your child seems quiet. Immediately, Worry starts poking you in the ribs. Is she sad? Is he being bullied? Should I ask about homework or leave him alone? You try to show you care, but what starts as loving concern ends up as an unintended game of 20 Questions. Instead of connection, everyone just wants to be excused from the table.

Or maybe you find yourself texting “Are you okay?” on repeat when your teenager hasn’t answered your check-in message in six entire minutes. You call it love. They call it overkill. See the gap?

Parents, You Are Not Broken, Just Wired to Worry

Before you start blaming yourself, let’s get one thing straight. Worry is absolutely normal. In fact, it is proof that your brain and nervous system are looking out for your tribe. Our brains are like world-class security guards. When something feels even a little off, that mental alarm system pops up with every possible “what if” you can imagine. Good news, your ancestors survived because they worried.

The tricky part is that your mind can’t easily tell the difference between a real emergency (like actual wild animals, though, let’s be honest, most of our wild encounters these days involve the grocery store) and the less toothy but still scary feelings about letting our loved ones navigate life’s challenges. Worry can feel urgent, like the antidote to disaster, but it can also just keep us pacing in circles, further from the people we hope to hold close.

Circles, Not Swords: What Can You Actually Control?

Try this with me. Picture a big, sprawling circle. This is the Worry Everything circle. It has inside it things like world peace, your child’s every mood swing, other people's opinions, and the list of future catastrophes that play in your mind at two o’clock in the morning.

Now, close your eyes (theoretically, of course) and imagine a smaller, cozier circle inside the first. This is your circle of control or influence. Here live things like how you respond, how you listen, and whether you put your phone down and make eye contact at dinner. You can’t control if your teen gets heartbreak, but you can be present when she needs to process it over ice cream. You can’t prevent every challenge, but you can be the steady voice that reminds them they’ll get through it.

Worry spends a lot of energy in the Everything circle, hoping that if we just fret enough, we’ll accomplish something. Funny thing is, that energy rarely helps. It can leave us frazzled, worn out, and not really available for those moments when genuine comfort is needed most.

Swap Worry for Connection, Even (Especially) When It Feels Impossible

What would it feel like to catch yourself in a worry spiral and just pause? Instead of letting anxiety run the show, give yourself a moment to ask, “Is this thing I am worrying about something I can impact right now?” If not, set it gently aside and focus on the messy, magical task of being with your people as they are.

Maybe it means choosing to listen instead of interrogate. Maybe you hug without asking questions, or admit you are worried and ask for a little grace while you practice being less, well, extra. You and your child can laugh about it and name the worry for what it is, a weird way grown-ups try to show love. You don’t need to nail it every time. Perfection was never the assignment.

At the end of the day, your presence and your ability to show up honestly matter far more than how many future disasters your mind can conjure. So next time you feel your heart start pounding over something you can’t control, try zooming out. Are you close to your circle of influence, or somewhere far out in the land of “what if”? What’s one tiny move toward connection you can make, right here, right now?

Maybe worry has a role in the love story, but it does not need to be the star. Let’s show our families what real love looks like: sometimes a little messy, often imperfect, always showing up.

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Ready to work with a therapist who understands parents, and why they worry so dang much? We'd love to connect with you! Email team@coeocommunity.com or schedule a brief 15 min phone call with us to learn more about our approach to therapy and see if coeo might be a good fit for you.